Lets get one thing straight before you read this blog post: it is winter. Not only is it winter, its the last throes of winter, shaking out its last big of agony upon us before it is killed by our champion Spring. Its easy to understand there is a bit of seasonal affective disorder influencing the last few (months..) of posts, its a bit more difficult to act upon that knowledge when you are teaching in unheated schools thousands of miles away from the nearest bottle of Bullet bourbon.
The past few weeks have been rough. I've often been looking back on the past and questioning my decision for joining Peace Corps. I'm far enough away from leaving that I've forgotten what my reasons were; why did I decide to commit 27 months to an under-developed country? I don't remember thinking critically about this decision 2 years ago and I'm certainly critical of the decision right now. I'm concerned the course I've steered my life for these past two years will provide little benefit for me in the years to come.
I've also been projecting myself into the future. There are so many good things to come that I can't wait and everyday I wake up wanting today to be tomorrow. I really like initiating projects, helping ideas come into being and putting thoughts into reality-but I'm not so good at finishing projects. Once the project is no longer fresh I want to move on, leaving it in someone else's capable hands. I'm feeling that about winter, I'm feeling that about school, and I'm feeling that about Azerbaijan in general.
So, I'm caught between questioning my past and anticipating my future. But I'm displaying little attention to the now, the moment that I am in currently. As my thoughts race to the past and fly towards the future I find that I am lacking the ability to ground myself in the present.
Earlier this week I had a great talk with Margaret, whom I had lived with for three years, and she gave her perspective on this situation. She reminded me, as only a former roommate could, that there were a multitude of well-though out reasons motivating my decision to join the Peace Corps-from dissatisfaction with work to desire to travel to an excitement for the mystique and awe the Peace Corps conjures up. She reminded me that I had done plenty of research to help me reach this decision and that, far from a lark, it was a very long process of application and reflection.
She also pointed out that at this moment I probably won't be able to see the benefit of Peace Corps; it may only be something I see months, or even years, after. It reminds me of graduate school in colorado. Obtaining my MA was nice, but the real benefit for me was moving me to the setting for the next stage of my life: Colorado. And it was only because of that move I began working for Apple, met numerous lifelong friends, and set myself up for the next stage of my life: Peace Corps and readjustment.
I'm still strongly looking forward to frequent showers, machine washed clothes, going to bars with friends, and 3G networks, but it was nice to have a moment of clarity in my mind's winter sky. A realization that I actively made this decision and will receive benefits many times over that I may not understand in the present moment. Winter is ending, spring is coming, and soon enough, I'll be leaving.
Your post title caught my eye, because a friend (John, the old Chauncey guitarist) told me about a book he was reading. In fact, he came upon the book in a mysterious way, when helping an old woman find her way to the hospital on the bus he was riding. He walked her there and as a show of her appreciation, she gave him this book. When he looked at it, he realized it was a book he had been meaning to read for the past 18 months. Spooky!
ReplyDeleteAnyway, the book is called The Miracle of Mindfulness by Thich Nhat Hahn (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0807012394/ref=oh_o01_s00_i00_details). It's on Kindle version, so you should be able to get it there, hopefully. I just started reading it myself. There's an anecdote about how the master in the story often encourages his students to do the dishes with nothing else in mind. Just to focus on the washing and drying of each dish. And in the process, it centers their mind and brings them peace. I imagine some of your routine could be similar, hence my writing of this long response to it.
I agree, you'll soon be back to the modern world and have the same distractions we all have. I'm guessing you'll long for a simpler time and place though, so I hope you find ways to enjoy it now. Talk to you soon!
~Chris