Sometimes Service Means Sleeping In

A couple posts ago I mentioned how I was sick.  It turns out I was really sick and had a stomach virus that kept me in bed for the full week.  I'm not one to get sick often or strongly, so this was a bit of surprise.  In retrospect it was also extremely beneficial to my mental health as it allowed me to reset to square one and put a true pause on all the activities, events, and obligations going on around me.

In the US I would resist putting my life on hold until it was blindingly obvious I needed to take a break; and that break would be true and sincere, me reveling in the fact I was sick and wasn't accountable for anything.  Here though, there are always feelings of guilt that accompany removing yourself.  I'm trying to model behaviors and suddenly I'm the one canceling on them.  I worked so hard to get these people to come to a club or meeting and now I'm the one ditching out.  I work against every negative stereotype you can think of, as it apparently relates to Americans here, and with one uncontrollable illness I vindicate half the community' private assumptions.  Yes these are a little extreme but no one thinks too clearly in fever dreams.

So around Thursday I texted my friend Jenny to get her perspective on my situation.  I was feeling a bit better but not 100% and certainly not to a point of proactively wanting to place myself in a school of Azeri children.  Basically, I needed a bit of PCV to PCV confirmation that a) I am not a bad volunteer and b) hell yeah stay in bed.  Jenny certainly said both of those things (I mean, thats the whole reason I texted her) but she also chided me to remember that this is my service, not theirs.

I had heard this type of reminder from volunteers before.   Each time I related to it from a perspective of accomplishment and activity, I can make this service what I want it to be.  My service doesn't just have to be about teaching kids it can also be about teaching adults.  I can move beyond the school and into the ministry.  These were really helpful thoughts to have; it expanded my view of what Peace Corps service could be like and helped me craft a goal of service based around my desires and thoughts as opposed to Peace Corps Azerbaijan's job description.

But this time the idea of this being my service resonated on a different level, on a self-interested level.  I am here in Azerbaijan to help people and to encourage skills transfer so they can help themselves, but the service I do is mine.  This is something I have undertaken to accomplish and share, not a promise for delivered results or a contract of commitment between me and my community.

Service, in any context, is always so 'other' focused, that to drop this focus for a moment can feel selfish and hypocritical, but service, to distinguish itself from slavery or employment, must contain personal joy and commitment in it.  Otherwise, it would be more akin to self-indentured servitude.  Ideally the results of my service will be owned by my community, but the service itself, well that's mine and, when it comes down to the final moments, it is controlled by me.  And if I see that a change needs to take place in it to make me feel happier, healthier, or more productive, then that is a choice I have the privilege to make.

This doesn't mean I plan on running contrarian to everything in my school, just that it helps me to realize that when it comes to situations of balancing my health and happiness against feelings of obligation and guilt, I have luxury to allow health and happiness to always win.  For some people this means leaving their community and returning to their US life.  My community is lucky enough that, for me, it only meant staying in bed an extra day or two.