How To Get Your Internet Working in Azerbaijan

So, you've all been hearing about my utility woes throughout the past few weeks.  Its as if the utility companies collectively decided to play an April Fools joke on Josh that took weeks of preparation.  I now have internet back at my house (cue angelic chorus) and am slowly accustoming myself to a digital lifestyle again.  This has been a crazy process, but its incredibly demonstrative of the way things get done in Azerbaijan.  I thought it might be an enjoyable read for those of you back home to get a sense of how this country works.

A month ago my internet stopped working.  Usually when this happens it means I need to pay my bill.  That didn't fix it, but because the next day was a national holiday I couldn't do anything about it.

The next day I contacted the person in charge of internet setup in Khachmaz, Rasim.  To put it nicely, Rasim is not a hard worker.  Even amongst other phone department employees its somewhat of a joke that Rasim is never in the office.  Anytime you call him he'll tell you he can help you the next day, since there is no way he can change his tea-drinking schedule today.  He asked if I paid, I said I did.  He asked, which bank; I told him.  He said he will check, I said okay.

The next day I call him back, and he informs me that the bank said I paid.  'Thanks Rasim, I know.'  This happens to be while I'm at the local internet center where my friend Rashad works and he tells me I just need to reset the router, which he can do.  The next day I bring it to the internet center and Rashad resets it.  When I get back home I plug it in, nothing happens.

By this time its a day before I leave for vacation and I permit myself to throw my hands in the air before I peace out from Azerbaijan and enjoy one wonderful week with my family.  Getting back I steel myself for solving this internet problem and find I have about 5 more waiting for me (hooray!).

We are now at a point beyond telephones, and come Monday I head over to the internet office myself to try and get thigns done.  The man at the window says I need to speak with Rasim and calls him to ask where he is (because, of course, he's not in the office).  Rasim says he'll be there at 5.  At 5 I head back to the office, the friendly man asks if Rasim is here.  I say 'he said he'll be here'.  He laughs and says 'Rasim always says he'll be here'.

Once Rasim did come he tells me the router needs to be reset (which I've already done).  Unsurpringly the internet doesn't work when I get home.  My friend Elvin comes over and asks how this problem is coming along.  He then asks if my phone is working and picks it up.  It's staticy.  When we call it from our cell it says the number is unassigned.  Finally! We have identified the problem-its my phone number.

The next day I take my paid March bill to the phone company.  The woman takes my phone number and tells me she'll take care of it.  When I ask her what's the problem she reinstates, ' we will fix it'.  Nothing happens.  The day after I return and say nothing happened and my phone still doesn't work.  They said that someone came to my home but I wasn't home.  I say that I was home all day and they must have gone to a wrong address.  (We both know that what actually happened is that no one came ot myhome).

Generously, a second, nicer woman calls me over.  She asks what my phone number is, I tell her and she dials it, it works.  'Why doesn't it work from my phone?'  'They've recently changed the area code and you need extra numbers to dial it from a mobile.'

So, its good that the phone works (which I never use), but this brings me no closer to fixing the internet.  At this point my frustration level is approaching cartoon levels.  I know there is some incredibly simply solution to make this work.  I know there is some button some person needs to press to get my internet working.  I just need to figure out who.

Its time to get real.  I ask my friend Sabina if she will be my translator/muscle for this.  We call the Baku office directly.  They explain the reason my phone is working but my internet is not is because there are micro-cuts in my telephone line and it needs to be replaced.  Now, micro-cuts sounds like a pretty BS excuse to me but I've got no other options.

We head back to the phone company and tell them what the internet office told us.  The woman calls the person responsible for fixing telephone lines.  The related conversation of this phone call went something like this: 'When will you be over' 'I'll tell them later' 'Just tell them now' 'No, later.  After she hangs up she shrugs her shoulders and says 'You know how this country is'.

Sabina wisely says she'll follow up herself.  The guard tells us he's at a 'meeting'.  Now, we all know he's not at a meeting, he's at an early lunch.  We tell the guard we will be back tomorrow morning to speak with him.  The next day, he's in another 'meeting' (read: he hasn't come to work yet).  We stalk his door until he shows up and plead our case.  He calls for different people and soon, Sabina, myself, Rasim, and two other men are in a taxi heading to our house to replace my phone line.

At my house, Rasim looks at the router, then looks at the splitter.  A splitter is a small box that has a phone jack on one end and two phone jacks on the other; it allows a phone and a modem to be plugged into one line.  Rasim mutters 'If this works Josh, I'm going to kill you'.  He swaps the modem cord for the phone cord and the phone cord for the internet cord on the double jack end.  Within moments the internet comes back on.  I slap my head and groan.  I am so frustrated with the simplicity and ease of this solution.  Why couldn't ANYONE have pointed this out in any of my numerous interactions with them.

This is how problems get solved in Azerbaijan.  In America we have a history of throwing money at the problem, in Azerbaijan, its time.  Convenience and efficiency just aren't valued here in the way they are in America and most problems are solved by simple dogged determination and persistence, which are to be found in people here at astronomical levels.

When I first got to school, I was amazed to hear some of the ridiculous reasons teachers would give for why they weren't in school.  But after living here for 19.5 months I finally understand it.  I too have missed an entire week of class simply trying ot get my internet fixed.